Are toxic relationships making you sick?

The science is clear about the effect of social connections and relationships on health and longevity. The less socially connected you are, the less physically healthy you will be… and the sooner you are expected to die.

I believe your key intimate relationship is the most important one to focus on for health and happiness. Let’s look at ways to assess and improve this key relationship…

What the science says about toxic relationships

Many health-conscious people worry about eating junk foods or a toxic environment, but continue in a toxic relationship—without realizing the ill effects of the stress, anxiety, depression, and even other medical problems this causes.

For example, in one study of more than 10,000 subjects followed for 12 years, researchers discovered that subjects in negative-feeling relationships were at higher risk for heart problems, including a fatal heart attacks, than similar people whose close relationships were not negative-feeling.

How do you know if you are in a toxic or unhealthy relationship? Answer these questions and you’ll figure it out pretty quickly:

Happy and healthy relationships

Do you…

• Usually feel content or even energized
• Feel better about yourself after spending time together
• Feel emotionally and physically safe
• Equal “give and take”
• Both feel happy with who you are
• Compassion, freedom of thinking & sharing
• Mutual love and caring

Toxic or unhealthy relationships

Do you…

• Often feel unfulfilled and drained
• Feel worse about yourself after spending time together
• Feel threatened or in danger
• You’re always giving he/she is taking
• Feel you have to change for him/her
• Selfishness, demandingness, criticism
• Dishonesty, distrust, demeaning words

Rank your companionship

If you’re like me, the most valuable source of happiness you can have in life is through your relationships. The amazing feeling of connection to someone who reciprocates your affection definitely enhances everything else you do in life. When successfully nurtured, it should give you energy, motivation and promote physical health.

I invite you right now to think about your key and most intimate companionship. Reflect on different experiences you have had together, such as preparing meals, taking walks, sharing about your day, or enjoyable evenings, bedtime and awakening moments together. Now rank from one to ten how this relationship feels to you, where 1 = terrible, and 10 = blissful. If you ranked it 7 or below, then it deserves some real attention.

The law of attraction in relationships

How are you feeling now about your companion? The fact is, with proper education, any couple can be very happy together as long as they share enough of the same goals.

Let’s explore this further…

First, you must be accountable for your contribution to this relationship. Take a look at your own mood each moment in every day. Do you carry feelings of fear, worry, frustration, boredom or depressed mood into the relationship in any way? If so, then you will experience more of this by your companion unless he or she is an extremely evolved person.

Next, are you focusing on what you like about your companion, while dismissing and giving no attention to what you don’t like? The law of attraction is the fact that “you get what you think about whether you like it or not.” In other words, the more attention and thought you give to what you don’t like, the more you are causing what you don’t like to show up in your relationship.

Pretend that your companion and you are the only two people in the world. Now imagine that you feel unhappy in your relationship. Can you make this relationship work? The answer is yes, if you will focus only on the desirable characteristics of your companion. Gradually, you will be more and more attracted to him or her. Then the only way this relationship can fail is if your companion continues to resist your positive attention.

The right way is the wrong way

It is commonly thought that for a relationship to work well, both must agree on and do things the same way, or each must do things the “right” way, in order for you to be happy together. This flawed premise only leads to arguments and hurt feelings.

On the contrary, a wise couple recognizes the value of diversity, and the importance of allowing the other the freedom to experience and learn.  Instead of arguing about which is the right way and which is the wrong way…and creating negative emotions about it, wouldn’t it be more enjoyable to welcome the diversity you see in each other?

Therefore, do not verbally reprimand the other or try to control them in any way. Instead, use words and actions that create feelings of appreciation, attraction, and love between you. Invite the other person think their own way and discover what is best for them and for your companionship connection. Learn to enjoy the differences in your opinions, methods of living life, and even beliefs.  By honoring each other’s thoughts and choices, you’ll create freedom and peace for each of you. Then you’ll then enjoy your differences. You will grow together in love.  Then you can feel gratitude every day.

To making your companionship the best ever, and feeling good—together.

Michael Cutler, M.D.

Source: De Vogli R, Chandola T, Marmot MG. Negative aspects of close relationships and heart disease. Arch Intern Med. 2007 Oct 8;167(18):1951-7. Online at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17923594