7 ways to keep your relationship passionate

There’s a deluge of relationship advice out there: books, articles, lectures, certifications, retreats, movies, professional opinions, and more (and I’m only adding to it all — sorry). As with any topic, some of what you hear is beneficial, some is decidedly not, and plenty of it is just noise. Some is written by men, some by women, but often, as with my advice today, it can work both ways.

In an effort to help you see the forest for the trees in the thorny thicket of relationship advice, here are seven key elements of keeping passion alive in a long-term relationship:

Communication

You know those sounds that come out of your partner’s mouth on a regular basis? Those are words. Words are important. Communication is the sine qua non of a good relationship: nail this one element and the rest is likely to fall into place. But if you aren’t connecting, talking, and processing together on a regular basis, you’re on autopilot, friend. Time to grab the ball and go deep — just like you used to.

Quality time

Just because you’re in the same room — even the same bed — doesn’t mean you’re actually connecting to one another. Plenty of guys I know are so absorbed in their work and so distracted by their children that they barely utter a word to their wives all day that doesn’t have to do with logistics of paying the bills or picking up the kids. Most of your time together may not be quality time. So don’t be the guy who wakes up after twenty-five years of marriage and realizes he no longer knows his wife.

Time to yourself

A smart older guy I once knew, with a half century of marriage under his belt, described a good marriage as a three-part dance: the man’s dance alone, the woman’s dance alone, and their dance together. Too much time together can become too much time together. You both need a few separate interests, friends, and pursuits in order to bring something novel into the relationship. Time apart is nourishing and heats things up when you get back together. Take it for yourself, and make her take it too. And know that any extra time you spend with your kids solo will not be time you regret.

Show and tell

The relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman has identified five ways to express love: affirming words, giving gifts, spending quality time, performing acts of service, and touching physically. You don’t necessarily need to hit them all, and your partner is likely to respond more to some than others. Figure out which ones they are, and double down on them when you do.

Appreciaton

A writer friend of mine has a girlfriend who brings him snacks and drinks throughout his day at his desk. She drops these things off without a word, and in the moment, he doesn’t thank her.

Later on, though, he’s enormously demonstrative with his appreciation. He knows that without those little deliveries of sustenance, his day wouldn’t be nearly as productive. But he also knows that for his own process, if he took even a moment to interrupt his focus to thank her — much less give her a hug and ask about her day — it would take him much longer to get back into the flow of writing.

At other times, he’s the one doting on her. She’s a dancer, so he’s the one at the studio space setting up all afternoon before the show, helping to put everything away afterward, and showering her with flowers for all her efforts. Both partners sacrifice for one another at different times and in different ways.

The point: appreciate your partner for who she is and what she does whenever and however you can. Accept that sometimes you’ll be the appreciator, and sometimes the apprecia-tee.

Sex

This is key, foundational, and fundamental. If you’re not having sex, even if both of you are willing and able, that makes you roommates, just like you had in college. Is that the type of relationship you want with your life partner?

You can only fool yourself for so long that you’re just fine without all the bother . . . and the same goes for her. You need each other, so find a way to make it happen.

Novelty

This means finding ways to remain curious about your partner emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. In the same way that you are evolving (your needs aren’t the same as they were twenty years ago), so is she. In the same way that you don’t always know what you need or want now as opposed to twenty years ago, neither does she. So figure it out together. Challenge one another. Ask tough questions, and give real answers.

You can read more about my relationship secrets in my book: Your NewPrime: 30 Days to Better Sex, Eternal Strength, and a Kick-Ass Life After 40