Therapeutic fibbing: When a “little white lie” is helpful therapy

When is a lie not a lie? Or, more to the point, when is it better to lie than to tell the truth?

When our daughter was nine, she woke one morning to find her pet hamster, her very first pet, dead in his cage. We were told that the nightly drafts from the open window my daughter favored might have done him in.

Did I tell her that? No. Instead, I told her a different truth, which was that hamsters generally only live a few years, and this one had already beat the odds.

Telling her the whole truth wouldn’t have changed the situation, and would only have caused her great distress and guilt. Instead of going with honesty, I decided to take care of her feelings instead.

If you have a parent or relative with Alzheimer’s or dementia, you will probably find yourself in a similar situation sooner or later. It can be very much like caring for a child.

You’ll have to ask yourself whether honesty is in their best interest, or if you should take another route in responding to them.

When lying to someone with dementia may be the kindest thing you can do

Therapeutic fibbing is a creative communication technique you can use when someone with short-term memory loss is disoriented, anxious or upset.

It’s not lying, but a way to step into their reality and spare them unnecessary distress or anxiety.

My mom was a champion at this technique.

My dad had Parkinson’s-related dementia, which left him with a hugely altered view of reality. Mom had a choice: try and make him see what was really going on, or take a different path.

Often, my dad would become agitated and insist that intruders had entered the house, tried to take his wallet, and fled out the back door.

Their house had no back door.

Dad was constantly hiding his wallet in different parts of the house so the “robbers” wouldn’t get it. As a result, he kept thinking it had been taken.

Instead of saying, “No, that’s impossible – we don’t even have a back door!”, Mom would say, “OK, well, maybe they just hid it from you.”

She’d search it out and say, “See? They dropped it on their way out – lucky you! Why don’t I hold onto it? They’d never look for your wallet in my drawer!”

But isn’t lying bad?

Our parents taught us that lying is wrong and that we should always tell the truth. So, it can be hard for many of us to lie to our parents, especially when they’re already so confused and distressed. We feel like being totally honest is kinder.

In fact, being completely honest can be cruel. It’s kind of like getting a gift from a friend that you really don’t like at all. Is it kinder to say so, or just to say ‘thank you’ and change the topic?

Imagine having to relive your parent’s death over and over again. This is what happens to a person with dementia who insists that “my mom is coming to pick me up and I have to get ready,” only to be told, “No, don’t you remember, you’re 89 and your mom has been gone a long time. We don’t need to go outside – she’s not coming.”

Instead, distracting them with a snack “while they wait” may just give them enough time to let go of, or forget, the idea. In this way, you’ve spared your loved one undue anxiety, confusion, and distress.

Therapeutic fibbing relieves caregiver stress, too

Using this technique with a parent who has dementia can be painful at first. It may feel like you’re giving up on the “old version” of who they were, the one who knew where they were, who you are, and who could remember these things from one moment to the next.

But if you can become comfortable with therapeutic fibbing, it will not only spare your loved one distress but you, as well.

Related: 8 skills that can help you be a happier caregiver

Think of it as a way of letting go, of placing primary importance not on facts, but on feelings. It’s a way to be kind and compassionate, which always feels good.

And, by entering your loved one’s present reality, you may find yourself becoming closer with them in unexpected ways. And that’s the ultimate goal, isn’t it?

Editor’s note: Have you started a new medication and found that your mind’s a little foggy? You’d be surprised how seemingly safe medications can even rob you of essential nutrients your brain needs, like the popular one 38 million Americans take every day. Are you one of them? Click here to find out!

Sources:

1. Therapeutic Fibbing: Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone with Dementia — DailyCaring
2. Therapeutic Fibs and Creative Communication Techniques — Alzheimer’s Association Orange County Chapter